Adoration
by hagoss18
Summary: Peace can never be a lasting thing and as an important leader in the city rebuilt, Tobias must face knowledge of a war on its way with the help of Caleb Prior. Can Tobias face a new fear involving a ghost from his past while trying to protect the city from destruction?


I followed the train down a path so familiar it felt like I had never left it behind. Despite the fact that factions had become a mere memory, their remains were still around us at all times, something I was thankful for in this moment. After riding the zip line and spreading pieces of her over the city, I climbed back up the top and stared down at the world in front of me. Two and a half years had passed but I still did everything in my power to feel her yet couldn't face her. Couldn't face her brother, the boy who was a shadow of her and her actions. Sitting there I realized there was something I needed to do, something I needed to face.

Out of habit, I flung myself onto the rooftop and jumped over, still scared of the long fall to the net. Being here brought back so many memories, some bad, some great and all her. I hadn't gone through my fear landscape since before everything happened at the compound. Curiosity had sparked an urge to see what fears remained in all that had changed over the last few years, however, and I was ready to face them.

Reaching the landscape room, I picked up the fear serum that had once been an obsession; my need to face it all and be brave. Sticking it in my neck like I always had, I felt myself begin to fade and wished Tris was with me once more to face what I knew was coming.

I woke up in a white room filled with a couple chairs, some cabinets, a curtain down the center and a monitor beeping with every heartbeat. As I lay in the cold bed, I realized this was new. Heights had always been first and I felt myself panic a little at the unknown. Around me stood my mom along with Cara, Caleb, Christina and Zeek, all staring at me with sadness in their eyes.

"What's going on Christina?" I speak out of turn as a doctor walks in and her silence is the only response. The doctor talks to my mom quietly while they all listen in.  
"The only thing that can get him through at this point is if he fights to survive. His injuries are too severe I'm afraid. I suggest you all begin to say your goodbyes." What? What is going on? I look down at myself, my body in perfect form. There are no injuries. Evelyn walks up to me. Years ago I would have never imagined my mother standing beside me as I died.

"Tobias, you have to fight." She looks at me with tears in her eyes and I want to comfort her.

"Mom, I'm fine, look at me. I'm okay." The word 'mom' still sounds foreign on my lips. She keeps speaking and soon enough I realize they can't hear me but that doesn't scare me. I came to peace with the idea of death when I lost Tris, the one I had promised I would be family to. What part of this was supposed to be a fear?

Suddenly the heart monitor started to beat at a normal pace and everyone surrounding me looked at me with hope in their eyes. No! No, I didn't want to be okay. I loved my friends who had fought with me through it all and was thankful for the new time I had spent with my mom but I didn't want this. I didn't want life. Death meant the possibility of seeing Tris and living meant a life without her. I found myself screaming and as I screamed, words formed.

"Tris! Please come back to me. _Beatrice, _I can't do this without you. You were the one who made me brave and who saw me for more than they all did. I don't want to live without you; I can't. " She had told me a long time ago to only call her by her full name on special occasions. I had only used it once. Our time together had been cut so short. "Tris, please! Don't make me do this alone. I need your knowledge and kindness. Tris…" the words were slowly fading away from me as I began to sob.

"Tobias?" The most wonderful sound I had heard in so long and it was a piece of her. I looked up and saw her beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes. "Tobias, what's going on?" This wasn't fair. I understood the fear landscape was in its on way a means of torture but this was beyond that. I didn't want to see what I could no longer have. I must find a way out and yet, I don't want to.

"Tris, I don't know what's happening. How are you here?" She walked toward me as I lay in the bed attempting to claim my life. I reached my hand out expecting her to disappear, expecting to feel nothing. At the feeling of her skin against mine, I couldn't contain my joy. Tris was standing in front of me as real as she had the day she jumped first and held my gaze at the bottom of the net. She held on to my neck as her lips found their rightful place on mine and then went in for a hug and I carefully moved my hand away from her bad shoulder, just as I had always done.

"It's okay, I'm whole. My shoulder is completely healed; all of the bullet wounds are gone. You don't have to be afraid of hurting me." Yet I was because I had. I thought back to all the times I had hurt her in some way.

"I'm in my fear landscape, Tris. I don't understand how you could still be here or what fear this is." Beside my bed, Christina cracked a joke over a childhood memory, trying to keep the mood light, and Tris laughed and smiled at her friend who had no knowledge of her presence. Four regrets I could never let go of: making her laugh more, not realizing she would sacrifice herself for her brother's life because I could have saved her, not telling her I loved her sooner, and not noticing her all those years ago when all I knew about her was that she was Andrew Prior's daughter.

I had so much to tell her and ask her but I didn't know where to begin. I just wanted to hold her in my arms and never let go. Never. And then it hit me. Everything I wanted to talk to her about was suddenly held under a cloud. I was afraid of life without her.

The trick to leaving your fear landscape or moving to the next fear was to calm your heart rate and overcome the fear and so I began to panic. I didn't want to face life without her again, I couldn't, and because of that I knew I couldn't leave this fear. I _needed_ more time with her; I needed to keep my heart rate up. I climbed out of the bed, reaching for her face and kissed her out of desperation. It was the one thing I could count on to keep my heart racing but she knew, like she always did, and pulled away.

"Tobias, you can't stay here. You can't give up because they need you." Her gaze drifted to the group surrounding my bed. "Now listen to me, there is something big happening in the city that you need to know about." How did she know? How could she know what was going on? Before I could ask, she answered like she was inside my head. Wasn't she though?

"I can see everything from where I am. I see it all and a man who used to be a part of Amity is planning something awful, Tobias. You have to go see Caleb and see if he knows anything. Tell him to check for information on a guy named Eric Ayers. I know you're becoming an important person in leadership so make sure you don't draw any attention to anything you do, people are always watching and those people will hurt you." She looked into my eyes and I felt her emotion and intention with every word. "I saw you be brave, I saw you on the zip line. It was like we were flying above the city together. I miss you _so_ much and I want you to stay here. I don't want to live death without you." I placed my forehead against hers and let a tear slip down my cheek as her eyes filled with a liquid release. "But you have to go."

With that, she let go and walked away. Not because she wanted to, but because she had to and I had to listen to what she said, the way I should have when she was alive. Through flooded eyes, I began to slow my breathing and the room slipped away.

There were no other fears. I woke up in the fear landscape room and felt my whole body tremble. It felt so real despite the fact that I had always known when I was in a simulation. I had always known it wasn't real but this was real. It had to be.

I passed through the halls I had called home and breathed in each smell then headed for what had once been my room. Going through familiar halls, I pictured every moment I had here with her. From cutting her ear, helping her fight, protecting her and our first kiss, it was all I could do to keep away from the silent tears. After pushing away pieces of her for so long, I finally felt like I could face the past though.

Opening the door immediately drew in memories of her as I pictured her lying on my bed fast asleep. In that moment I wished I could go back to the compound, to the room we lost ourselves in each other. With that I fell asleep holding the pillow she had once laid her head on. If the simulation had been real and what she said was true, I had a lot to figure out but it could wait. I wanted to fall asleep with her touch still on my skin.


End file.
